Taking it personally

Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

26th October, 2020.

Have you ever been afraid of a crime you never committed?

Like you didn’t do anything wrong but you think that someone thinks you did something wrong and you’re just afraid that you won’t be able to prove that you’re innocent. Have you ever felt that?

Cause I feel it like almost every day. I just think that I have to behave in a certain way, and that if I do something that I’m supposedly not supposed to do then I might get scolded or like get called out on. 

Another thing I’ve realized is that I live a very ‘scared-life’ and it has been this way since a very long time for many obvious and not so obvious reasons, you won’t believe I’m scared of more things than you can imagine… a few of them being failure, ignorance, loosing bonds and… spiders! 

Well the list is long but let’s save it for some other day. 

Someone told me a few days ago that I take things too personally, maybe I do or maybe it was all talks, I’ve yet to realize. But thinking about it made one thing clear that I overthink… that to a lot, about a lot of stuff which I probably shouldn’t even care about. I’m trying to make a lot of thoughts clear and sometimes I think maybe I don’t have that many thoughts it’s just that I have too much time to myself these days.

To future busy days ahead, please come soon…

Kinda craving some real work.

~Minza.

Access

Kishore Sagar Lake Park, Kota, Rajasthan

21st July, 2019.

You know, the sense of security and trust you feel when you have access to something, or someone?

It’s really weird how you can just try harder and harder for validation until that person gives in to you. The sense of happiness, and more importantly calmness is achieved, the path to which kept you engulfed in anxiety and uncertainty. You no longer have to be cautious or succumb to conditions. There are more candour conversations, exchange of details and involvement in the mundane actions of everyday life. That’s having access to a person. It might sound negatively assertive, but it’s just a fancy metaphorical reference to daily exchange of dialogue.

Having access also comes with a few rules, the most important of which I feel is not letting the habit of that person have adverse effect on you. I won’t say don’t let the habit develop because firstly, that’s not possible; and I speak from personal experience, and secondly because habits are good in the sense that they are comfortable.

I have access to people; some completely, some partially. And also have people I’m trying to get access of. I think this is something everyone does, repeatedly, as they meet newer folks in life. Also, I have to add that the more access you have of a person the more access you give to them. And that is what I prefer to call trust.

~Minza.

Thoughts

Vigyan Nagar, Kota, Rajasthan.

14th July,2019.

When was the time you realized that your life has become mess? By that I mean a complete mess. Some things that you really can’t fix now. And things you are wishing that could be undone. You try hard not to regret the decisions you make, but to do that you make decisions that you will regret later. Its just a loop you don’t get out of that easily. Being vulnerable to the world is one of the weaknesses that I have. You know trying to please everyone. Letting my sense of empathy and urge for adventure take over my sanity is something I really need to fix.

I have come to know that whatever you may be doing in life is always better from someone’s perspective and always worse from another’s. But wherever you may be whatever be the position or age you are always stressed about something or the other. Everyone has problems which might seem not like a big deal for us but is something really difficult for the person actually experiencing it.

We meet numerous people and exchange stories, experiences and that is something I consider one of the most wondrous things us humans are capable of doing. You know but with more conversations and more people come some unsaid levied responsibilities. Responsibility to you know maintain contact, carry on conversations, keep checking on people, help them in problems. I am not saying that I don’t like it but you know at times it’s just overwhelming when you have like hundred messages from fifty different people, all with different stories and things to share.

My problem comes when I am not able to address every person, cause you know there’s always like this priority list of people in your life, that list of course keeps changing with time but at a certain time you feel like talking to a few people more than you want to talk to others. Which I don’t know is true only for me or for everyone, but I know it’s not something I should be proud of.

Well as of my thoughts right now, I’ll just say that I’ve been living a really reckless life without giving much thought to things which I’m trying to fix as in I’ve realised that it’s probably not the best way for me to live. So yeah hoping to take more thoughtful decisions in future.

Cause though I can’t fix what’s done, I can always change what’s next!

~Minza.

Chaos

Kota Railway Station, Rajasthan.

22nd October, 2019.

Chaos; something I thought would end once I finish this phase of intense commitment to my studies. That’s not the case, well.

Even when I have nothing to do, there’s so much going on around me and also inside me that it’s nowhere near the peace I imagined I would get. Whether it’s the usual house chores or somewhere I need to be, there’s just haste and me running around to do everything on time.

It’s as if I’ve trained my mind to crave work. The day passes by and I usually do nothing at times for the whole day but that is not because I don’t want to do anything, it’s just that my laziness takes over my urge for productivity.

These days as I’m looking back at the roller coaster ride the past three years have been it makes me sad and happy at the same time, I won’t mention the sad part but for the positive aspect of it I somewhat have an idea of at least what NOT to do in the forthcoming years. Though I completely have this in mind that I might be wrong again and that my decisions might lead me somewhere I haven’t thought of, but I still choose to trust myself yet again.

The trials I had to face for the trials that I took were worth the try I hope.

~Minza.

Newness

Kishore Sagar Talab, Kota, Rajasthan, India.

So yes newness in life is intriguing…. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I’m concerned about my obsession for anything new. Like literally weather it’s a new flavour of my favourite chocolate, a new clothing in my wardrobe or a new person in my life.

The obsession or more like the “curiosity” that comes with someone new is just something I can’t resist. (That sounded a bit weird, but you get what I mean.)

It’s just like there’s a surge of questions to be answered, a million stories to be heard, a different perspective to be seen and an entirely new personality to be understood.

Learning is necessity, learning is habit but learning in my case is an addiction in some way. I’m just so engrossed in anything that catches my attention that I stop paying heed to things that actually matter… small talks become long conversations and light hearted chit-chats become deep topics to contemplate on.

My problem is, though I may sound selfish, that I don’t have the time to explore an entirely new galaxy that collided with mine, in the form of an amazing person.

I do want to willingly give my time to something I feel is worth, but there are things in life you can’t always afford and spending my time, which is already not much, on that person, is one of them.

But then I remind myself that a time might come, when I can afford the luxury of talking to wonderful people with virtuous souls, and learn all that I couldn’t before. Discover similarities and differences, reduce gaps of misunderstandings and make bonds that are stronger than those three lines between two nitrogen atoms. I could will do all this … and I won’t let this galaxy wander away from me in the universe.

P.S- hope you like it…

~Minza.

Simply perfect

Instrumentation Colony, Rajeev Gandhi Nagar, Kota, Rajasthan, India.

10th August, 2019.

Its just fascinating to see how each day of my life unfolds. From instantaneous plans to long deep conversations, I’m doing all sorts of stuff these days. Having huge ambitions (kinda unrealistic ones ; but who cares), laughing my heart out on the silliest of jokes, bitching bout people, from listening old stories to making new plans there’s no end to the chinwag.

The rainy days that I hate the most, didn’t seem all that bad today. I was still willing to walk on the dirty roads, cause it was fun to be around, for more lines and more walks.

It’s all kinda new yet kinda old. There’s the excitement of something different and the comfort of something I’m used to. It’s always the best and just keeps getting better. And I say it with all good intention.

I’m literally like working hard, and you know the satisfaction when you think that your day was productive, that’s what I aim to sleep with each night.

I’m honestly grateful for a lot of stuff, be it the anger, the taunts, the arguments, the sweetness, the understanding, the love. Just everything. And you know that I know you know that.

Studying for long hours is like the only plan I have every morning when I wake up, and trust me I’m so enjoying it. And you know you’re deep into this shit, when even your humour has chemistry in it.

I’m just wishing for living days with more fun, more talks and more happiness.

The path for this ore from the furnace to the gold may not be easy but definitely worth it. Cause this tie has still to go a long way.

~Minza.

12:51 am

P.S. – I know I was supposed to sleep early, but just couldn’t resist writing all this.

Absconding life

Kota, Rajasthan, India.

21st July, 2019.

Surely one of the best days, I had in a long while. How do I explain it…. moody, fun, exciting, creative and can’t miss the visuals, of course.

You know the feeling when you find the perfect canvas for your art, that’s exactly what it was.

Roaming around unknown paths, appreciating what we might never see again and absorbing the best and most beautiful of memories that would go a long way.

Just so wholesome, calm and serene. Amidst all the chaos we go through everyday, a little escape once in a while is all I long for. And with the best partner in crime is all you can wish for.

Not wanting to go, to not in a mood to leave, when places outshine you expectations, that’s the sense of satisfaction you wish for.

Getting to know something new about you everyday doesn’t even seem new anymore. And calling it a journey to know myself, aboard with an accomplice on this voyage across turbulent times is aptly worded.

Cheers to all the good and bad, gains and sacrifices, actually just everything.

And Thank You….

~Minza.

Evening stride

IL Colony, Kota, Rajasthan, India.

12th July, 2019.

Strangely comfortable; that’s how I would define it. Maybe, not the best but definitely one of the most priced possessions for me. Such a free spirited bird …… possession? ….. maybe not, but I would still call it one.

The first thing in the morning and the last voice of the day, huh! We’ve come a long way. Kind of weird to say but at times you really make my day.

It’s our own matinee; Something like a little play, everyday, no need to say.

If you wish, well you may, but I won’t let you go astray cause it’s already halfway.

The constant delays, stories full of cliches, that never fail to amaze, and there it is, my case that lays.

‘Jack of all trades’ might not only be a phrase. I don’t know yet, but I do, that’s definitely an aspiring gaze. Some might call it craze but for me, surely worth the praise.

It’s just a life phase for us to rise and raise, I don’t know for how long but I’ll be there always.

(P.S. – The last line though…. aah….. I know…… Definitely not to be taken otherwise, cause I’m just saying ;-))

~Minza.

(2:48am -13th July, 2019)

Habitual

Rajeev Gandhi Nagar, Kota, Rajasthan, India.

25th July, 2019.

It’s weird how you get used to stuff you weren’t even supposed to start, be it good or bad, and how that starts affecting you in ways you don’t even realise. Making habits with caution cause they are hard to get rid off, but at times you just can’t control the situation your way.

There’s something I heard recently that “You should be thankful to people while they are good to you and not condemn them if they stop doing so because no was ever obliged to be kind to you in the first place.”

Hmm, kinda makes sense…

~Minza.

Long time

Kota, Rajasthan, India.

Seriously been a while ever since I put up something here. Just that life has been insanely busy these days and I consider it a blessing having 6 hours for sleep. Met quite a few new people, life’s a bit new these days too.

~Minza.