15th July, 2020
Have you ever hated yourself so much that you’re just constantly accusing yourself of everything wrong that happens in your life?
People are complicated, to be honest, so am I, but why is it that every human relationship just has so many folds and turns, a damn roller-coaster all the time! Can’t it just be like a smooth highway drive, once in a while? I honestly need some peace in life without having to constantly be anxious about it. You know like the kind of life everyone seems to live; happy and calm.
Why does it seem like nobody else in the world is stressing so much except me? Why does everything seem like people do it easily but I’m not able to do it, what is this thing that I’m completely missing and where exactly is all of this going wrong?
You know what the fun part is, when you look at my life from outside it just seems good and definitely not something you should be worried about, but the turmoil on the inside is unseen, the constant anxiousness, self-doubt and so much vulnerability that despite having 100 praising mouths, my mind just dwells on that one harsh criticism; makes me ignore and forget all the hard work and effort and just puts me in this constant mindstate where I’m desperately searching for my fault.
Another thing I never understand is the psychology behind being mean to people. How are you able to live on with your life comfortably , after spitting out words that would probably ruin someone else’s day, I mean just how? And if it is so easy for you to do it, why am I not able to? I too want to blame and accuse people; I want to call them out for all the unnecessary anguish I’ve had to go through because of a few mindless words.
Preaching about being kind, putting on a nice chivalrous front, maintaining a good ‘image’, literally everyone does that, then why is it only me who is coming across all the mean ones?