MEAN

Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

15th July, 2020

Have you ever hated yourself so much that you’re just constantly accusing yourself of everything wrong that happens in your life?


People are complicated, to be honest, so am I, but why is it that every human relationship just has so many folds and turns, a damn roller-coaster all the time! Can’t it just be like a smooth highway drive, once in a while? I honestly need some peace in life without having to constantly be anxious about it. You know like the kind of life everyone seems to live; happy and calm.
Why does it seem like nobody else in the world is stressing so much except me? Why does everything seem like people do it easily but I’m not able to do it, what is this thing that I’m completely missing and where exactly is all of this going wrong?


You know what the fun part is, when you look at my life from outside it just seems good and definitely not something you should be worried about, but the turmoil on the inside is unseen, the constant anxiousness, self-doubt and so much vulnerability that despite having 100 praising mouths, my mind just dwells on that one harsh criticism; makes me ignore and forget all the hard work and effort and just puts me in this constant mindstate where I’m desperately searching for my fault.


Another thing I never understand is the psychology behind being mean to people. How are you able to live on with your life comfortably , after spitting out words that would probably ruin someone else’s day, I mean just how? And if it is so easy for you to do it, why am I not able to? I too want to blame and accuse people; I want to call them out for all the unnecessary anguish I’ve had to go through because of a few mindless words.

Preaching about being kind, putting on a nice chivalrous front, maintaining a good ‘image’, literally everyone does that, then why is it only me who is coming across all the mean ones?

~Minza.

THE DAWN

Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

13th June, 2020

Newness hath an evanescent beauty.

Heinrich Heine

Ever felt that, when you do things, you’re not supposed to do. Well, I’ll say been there done that way too many times. You know when you stop yourself from something potentially harmful, but end up doing it anyway, ’cause it’s just tempting; giving in to an escape from all the overwhelming affairs.


It’s hard to understand if the escape is really a getaway or just another addition to the profuse toil of the matinee. Someone like me would rather sail across the turbulent swells with an institutional mind than bear the changes, though good. Your habits rule over your well-being, and it’s just difficult to break out of the monotony.


There are times when everything is just so tough, that feeling of being helpless because all the paths seem difficult to cross and you’ve not yet gathered the grit for the journey. I would say I’m in the process of mustering up courage, only a bit maybe, but I’m still thankful for the inception. At times, it’s just selfish, I agree, to enjoy the company myself and be a hassle in return, but I’m trying; to improve, be better, be a little less complicated, a little gentler, each day, for you.

Voice the times you feel like saying,

I want you to interrupt my impenetrable thoughts, rummage through my soul and find unbroken pieces, cherish them with care as I’ve already faced the consequences of handing them out carelessly. Put a smile, once in a while, help me defend the bruises, I hide from you and I’ll uncover them cautiously, one at a time, might take a long time. Be patient, for all this and countless other impressions you might come across, and I’ll be fine even if you choose not to cause I’ll still continue to meliorate the standards in my life.


~Minza

VALIDATION

Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

20th September, 2020.

You know, I’ve come to this realization after a lot of experience that; ‘It’s just so nice to be liked’.

I mean obviously it’s nothing surprising but it took me long to apprehend that, I really need validation in life, and I mean like real-life validation.

Okay, I totally agree that this might not be the best thing for me, but the happiness I gain when people validate me is so great that I don’t really mind the side effects it has. Though the road to this ‘Validation-Attainment’ has cost me, a fair share of giving up my self-respect and being taken for granted. But, nevermind.

Being a people’s person, really comes with its own set of pros and cons, the pros being the feeling of acknowledgement which, attention-seeking extroverts like me love, and the cons being so dependant on being surrounded by people that you can’t handle the loneliness that comes along when the person you wish to talk to is not around.

I mean I’m telling for someone like me, if I don’t get the kind of human interaction I want, I become demented. Not even exaggerating, I start writing a full-fledged novel in my head like I’m in a mid-life crisis. There is no end to the dark turn of events that I presume, the consequences that I picture and the ocean of self-doubt that I drown myself in. And, all of this due to someone else being busy with their life, that’s how vulnerable it can be.

I can list a ton of disadvantages, I’ve faced and I am facing due to this outlook, my desire to be accepted leads to subservience, and that at times is also an understatement. I am not trying to play the victim here, because this is what I choose to do every single day, knowing all the sides of the story.

But you know, it’s not all that negative. I feel validation is necessary for showing importance and gratefulness for someone who’s there no matter what. As dramatic it may sound, the reality is that after a hard day, full of tribulations, it’s good to hear from someone ready to accept the mistakes you made.

Good or bad, I don’t know, but I’m really trying hard to change this attitude, because it’s genuinely tough for me to handle the mood-swings I have, where I go from being exhilarated in one moment to losing all my self-worth in the other.

~Minza.

New Normal

Kota, Rajasthan.

21st July, 2019.

You know life never fails to amaze me and the fascination I have for it is never enough to justify the amount of newness I get to experience every single day.

What I’m referring to is that how amazingly weird it is, that we adapt ourselves to new situations so easily, that things or people which we didn’t even know existed a few months ago, are so familiar that you are up at 2 am listening to their life stories and relating as if you’ve known each other for years.

I am surprised by the fact that how human life can exist in uncountable number of personalities. No two people are same and you can never classify folks under ‘’categories’’.

You show different aspects of your life to people differently, you try to show facets that are similar, excerpts that they relate with, it’s all different for everyone yet it’s all true and all you. As life goes by, narratives become longer, ideologies get examples to support them and belief in things becomes more and more firm, with all that you experience. I think it’s my nature that allows me to explore this diversity in humankind and learn each and every day from people around me.

I feel superior to some but also have my moments of inferiority once in a while, it’s all a part of observing and sort of building my database of human understanding and thought process. I am not a deep thinker but I’m definitely an overthinker and for me those two things are different. I try my best not to get attached to things, and not to have expectations because I’ve had my fair share of disappointment in life, but I still do so. People still become habits, I start having expectations again and start asserting my right on them… yet again, it’s stupid I know, but that’s how it is.

Not saying that I’ve faced any disappointment till now, but I will I know, not from all but definitely from some, and I am totally convinced that I’m not the only one, getting myself into this loop of ardent relationships again and again.

Your present is the new normal in the most unexpectedly wonderful ways and when you look back, the old is so forgotten that it seems not so normal pondering on how your behaviour, conduct and outlook has been influenced by the convention around you.

It may be desirable might as well be otherwise, but acceptable among the encompassing ocean of individuals in the new habitable world environing us, because now that’s the normal we know.

~Minza.

Taking it personally

Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

26th October, 2020.

Have you ever been afraid of a crime you never committed?

Like you didn’t do anything wrong but you think that someone thinks you did something wrong and you’re just afraid that you won’t be able to prove that you’re innocent. Have you ever felt that?

Cause I feel it like almost every day. I just think that I have to behave in a certain way, and that if I do something that I’m supposedly not supposed to do then I might get scolded or like get called out on. 

Another thing I’ve realized is that I live a very ‘scared-life’ and it has been this way since a very long time for many obvious and not so obvious reasons, you won’t believe I’m scared of more things than you can imagine… a few of them being failure, ignorance, loosing bonds and… spiders! 

Well the list is long but let’s save it for some other day. 

Someone told me a few days ago that I take things too personally, maybe I do or maybe it was all talks, I’ve yet to realize. But thinking about it made one thing clear that I overthink… that to a lot, about a lot of stuff which I probably shouldn’t even care about. I’m trying to make a lot of thoughts clear and sometimes I think maybe I don’t have that many thoughts it’s just that I have too much time to myself these days.

To future busy days ahead, please come soon…

Kinda craving some real work.

~Minza.

Access

Kishore Sagar Lake Park, Kota, Rajasthan

21st July, 2019.

You know, the sense of security and trust you feel when you have access to something, or someone?

It’s really weird how you can just try harder and harder for validation until that person gives in to you. The sense of happiness, and more importantly calmness is achieved, the path to which kept you engulfed in anxiety and uncertainty. You no longer have to be cautious or succumb to conditions. There are more candour conversations, exchange of details and involvement in the mundane actions of everyday life. That’s having access to a person. It might sound negatively assertive, but it’s just a fancy metaphorical reference to daily exchange of dialogue.

Having access also comes with a few rules, the most important of which I feel is not letting the habit of that person have adverse effect on you. I won’t say don’t let the habit develop because firstly, that’s not possible; and I speak from personal experience, and secondly because habits are good in the sense that they are comfortable.

I have access to people; some completely, some partially. And also have people I’m trying to get access of. I think this is something everyone does, repeatedly, as they meet newer folks in life. Also, I have to add that the more access you have of a person the more access you give to them. And that is what I prefer to call trust.

~Minza.

Thoughts

Vigyan Nagar, Kota, Rajasthan.

14th July,2019.

When was the time you realized that your life has become mess? By that I mean a complete mess. Some things that you really can’t fix now. And things you are wishing that could be undone. You try hard not to regret the decisions you make, but to do that you make decisions that you will regret later. Its just a loop you don’t get out of that easily. Being vulnerable to the world is one of the weaknesses that I have. You know trying to please everyone. Letting my sense of empathy and urge for adventure take over my sanity is something I really need to fix.

I have come to know that whatever you may be doing in life is always better from someone’s perspective and always worse from another’s. But wherever you may be whatever be the position or age you are always stressed about something or the other. Everyone has problems which might seem not like a big deal for us but is something really difficult for the person actually experiencing it.

We meet numerous people and exchange stories, experiences and that is something I consider one of the most wondrous things us humans are capable of doing. You know but with more conversations and more people come some unsaid levied responsibilities. Responsibility to you know maintain contact, carry on conversations, keep checking on people, help them in problems. I am not saying that I don’t like it but you know at times it’s just overwhelming when you have like hundred messages from fifty different people, all with different stories and things to share.

My problem comes when I am not able to address every person, cause you know there’s always like this priority list of people in your life, that list of course keeps changing with time but at a certain time you feel like talking to a few people more than you want to talk to others. Which I don’t know is true only for me or for everyone, but I know it’s not something I should be proud of.

Well as of my thoughts right now, I’ll just say that I’ve been living a really reckless life without giving much thought to things which I’m trying to fix as in I’ve realised that it’s probably not the best way for me to live. So yeah hoping to take more thoughtful decisions in future.

Cause though I can’t fix what’s done, I can always change what’s next!

~Minza.

Chaos

Kota Railway Station, Rajasthan.

22nd October, 2019.

Chaos; something I thought would end once I finish this phase of intense commitment to my studies. That’s not the case, well.

Even when I have nothing to do, there’s so much going on around me and also inside me that it’s nowhere near the peace I imagined I would get. Whether it’s the usual house chores or somewhere I need to be, there’s just haste and me running around to do everything on time.

It’s as if I’ve trained my mind to crave work. The day passes by and I usually do nothing at times for the whole day but that is not because I don’t want to do anything, it’s just that my laziness takes over my urge for productivity.

These days as I’m looking back at the roller coaster ride the past three years have been it makes me sad and happy at the same time, I won’t mention the sad part but for the positive aspect of it I somewhat have an idea of at least what NOT to do in the forthcoming years. Though I completely have this in mind that I might be wrong again and that my decisions might lead me somewhere I haven’t thought of, but I still choose to trust myself yet again.

The trials I had to face for the trials that I took were worth the try I hope.

~Minza.

Newness

Kishore Sagar Talab, Kota, Rajasthan, India.

So yes newness in life is intriguing…. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I’m concerned about my obsession for anything new. Like literally weather it’s a new flavour of my favourite chocolate, a new clothing in my wardrobe or a new person in my life.

The obsession or more like the “curiosity” that comes with someone new is just something I can’t resist. (That sounded a bit weird, but you get what I mean.)

It’s just like there’s a surge of questions to be answered, a million stories to be heard, a different perspective to be seen and an entirely new personality to be understood.

Learning is necessity, learning is habit but learning in my case is an addiction in some way. I’m just so engrossed in anything that catches my attention that I stop paying heed to things that actually matter… small talks become long conversations and light hearted chit-chats become deep topics to contemplate on.

My problem is, though I may sound selfish, that I don’t have the time to explore an entirely new galaxy that collided with mine, in the form of an amazing person.

I do want to willingly give my time to something I feel is worth, but there are things in life you can’t always afford and spending my time, which is already not much, on that person, is one of them.

But then I remind myself that a time might come, when I can afford the luxury of talking to wonderful people with virtuous souls, and learn all that I couldn’t before. Discover similarities and differences, reduce gaps of misunderstandings and make bonds that are stronger than those three lines between two nitrogen atoms. I could will do all this … and I won’t let this galaxy wander away from me in the universe.

P.S- hope you like it…

~Minza.

Simply perfect

Instrumentation Colony, Rajeev Gandhi Nagar, Kota, Rajasthan, India.

10th August, 2019.

Its just fascinating to see how each day of my life unfolds. From instantaneous plans to long deep conversations, I’m doing all sorts of stuff these days. Having huge ambitions (kinda unrealistic ones ; but who cares), laughing my heart out on the silliest of jokes, bitching bout people, from listening old stories to making new plans there’s no end to the chinwag.

The rainy days that I hate the most, didn’t seem all that bad today. I was still willing to walk on the dirty roads, cause it was fun to be around, for more lines and more walks.

It’s all kinda new yet kinda old. There’s the excitement of something different and the comfort of something I’m used to. It’s always the best and just keeps getting better. And I say it with all good intention.

I’m literally like working hard, and you know the satisfaction when you think that your day was productive, that’s what I aim to sleep with each night.

I’m honestly grateful for a lot of stuff, be it the anger, the taunts, the arguments, the sweetness, the understanding, the love. Just everything. And you know that I know you know that.

Studying for long hours is like the only plan I have every morning when I wake up, and trust me I’m so enjoying it. And you know you’re deep into this shit, when even your humour has chemistry in it.

I’m just wishing for living days with more fun, more talks and more happiness.

The path for this ore from the furnace to the gold may not be easy but definitely worth it. Cause this tie has still to go a long way.

~Minza.

12:51 am

P.S. – I know I was supposed to sleep early, but just couldn’t resist writing all this.