Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

15th July, 2020

Have you ever hated yourself so much that you’re just constantly accusing yourself of everything wrong that happens in your life?

People are complicated, to be honest, so am I, but why is it that every human relationship just has so many folds and turns, a damn roller-coaster all the time! Can’t it just be like a smooth highway drive, once in a while? I honestly need some peace in life without having to constantly be anxious about it. You know like the kind of life everyone seems to live; happy and calm.
Why does it seem like nobody else in the world is stressing so much except me? Why does everything seem like people do it easily but I’m not able to do it, what is this thing that I’m completely missing and where exactly is all of this going wrong?

You know what the fun part is, when you look at my life from outside it just seems good and definitely not something you should be worried about, but the turmoil on the inside is unseen, the constant anxiousness, self-doubt and so much vulnerability that despite having 100 praising mouths, my mind just dwells on that one harsh criticism; makes me ignore and forget all the hard work and effort and just puts me in this constant mindstate where I’m desperately searching for my fault.

Another thing I never understand is the psychology behind being mean to people. How are you able to live on with your life comfortably , after spitting out words that would probably ruin someone else’s day, I mean just how? And if it is so easy for you to do it, why am I not able to? I too want to blame and accuse people; I want to call them out for all the unnecessary anguish I’ve had to go through because of a few mindless words.

Preaching about being kind, putting on a nice chivalrous front, maintaining a good ‘image’, literally everyone does that, then why is it only me who is coming across all the mean ones?



Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

20th September, 2020.

You know, I’ve come to this realization after a lot of experience that; ‘It’s just so nice to be liked’.

I mean obviously it’s nothing surprising but it took me long to apprehend that, I really need validation in life, and I mean like real-life validation.

Okay, I totally agree that this might not be the best thing for me, but the happiness I gain when people validate me is so great that I don’t really mind the side effects it has. Though the road to this ‘Validation-Attainment’ has cost me, a fair share of giving up my self-respect and being taken for granted. But, nevermind.

Being a people’s person, really comes with its own set of pros and cons, the pros being the feeling of acknowledgement which, attention-seeking extroverts like me love, and the cons being so dependant on being surrounded by people that you can’t handle the loneliness that comes along when the person you wish to talk to is not around.

I mean I’m telling for someone like me, if I don’t get the kind of human interaction I want, I become demented. Not even exaggerating, I start writing a full-fledged novel in my head like I’m in a mid-life crisis. There is no end to the dark turn of events that I presume, the consequences that I picture and the ocean of self-doubt that I drown myself in. And, all of this due to someone else being busy with their life, that’s how vulnerable it can be.

I can list a ton of disadvantages, I’ve faced and I am facing due to this outlook, my desire to be accepted leads to subservience, and that at times is also an understatement. I am not trying to play the victim here, because this is what I choose to do every single day, knowing all the sides of the story.

But you know, it’s not all that negative. I feel validation is necessary for showing importance and gratefulness for someone who’s there no matter what. As dramatic it may sound, the reality is that after a hard day, full of tribulations, it’s good to hear from someone ready to accept the mistakes you made.

Good or bad, I don’t know, but I’m really trying hard to change this attitude, because it’s genuinely tough for me to handle the mood-swings I have, where I go from being exhilarated in one moment to losing all my self-worth in the other.


Kota, Rajasthan.

21st July, 2019.

You know life never fails to amaze me and the fascination I have for it is never enough to justify the amount of newness I get to experience every single day.

What I’m referring to is that how amazingly weird it is, that we adapt ourselves to new situations so easily, that things or people which we didn’t even know existed a few months ago, are so familiar that you are up at 2 am listening to their life stories and relating as if you’ve known each other for years.

I am surprised by the fact that how human life can exist in uncountable number of personalities. No two people are same and you can never classify folks under ‘’categories’’.

You show different aspects of your life to people differently, you try to show facets that are similar, excerpts that they relate with, it’s all different for everyone yet it’s all true and all you. As life goes by, narratives become longer, ideologies get examples to support them and belief in things becomes more and more firm, with all that you experience. I think it’s my nature that allows me to explore this diversity in humankind and learn each and every day from people around me.

I feel superior to some but also have my moments of inferiority once in a while, it’s all a part of observing and sort of building my database of human understanding and thought process. I am not a deep thinker but I’m definitely an overthinker and for me those two things are different. I try my best not to get attached to things, and not to have expectations because I’ve had my fair share of disappointment in life, but I still do so. People still become habits, I start having expectations again and start asserting my right on them… yet again, it’s stupid I know, but that’s how it is.

Not saying that I’ve faced any disappointment till now, but I will I know, not from all but definitely from some, and I am totally convinced that I’m not the only one, getting myself into this loop of ardent relationships again and again.

Your present is the new normal in the most unexpectedly wonderful ways and when you look back, the old is so forgotten that it seems not so normal pondering on how your behaviour, conduct and outlook has been influenced by the convention around you.

It may be desirable might as well be otherwise, but acceptable among the encompassing ocean of individuals in the new habitable world environing us, because now that’s the normal we know.


Dehradun, Uttarakhand.

26th October, 2020.

Have you ever been afraid of a crime you never committed?

Like you didn’t do anything wrong but you think that someone thinks you did something wrong and you’re just afraid that you won’t be able to prove that you’re innocent. Have you ever felt that?

Cause I feel it like almost every day. I just think that I have to behave in a certain way, and that if I do something that I’m supposedly not supposed to do then I might get scolded or like get called out on. 

Another thing I’ve realized is that I live a very ‘scared-life’ and it has been this way since a very long time for many obvious and not so obvious reasons, you won’t believe I’m scared of more things than you can imagine… a few of them being failure, ignorance, loosing bonds and… spiders! 

Well the list is long but let’s save it for some other day. 

Someone told me a few days ago that I take things too personally, maybe I do or maybe it was all talks, I’ve yet to realize. But thinking about it made one thing clear that I overthink… that to a lot, about a lot of stuff which I probably shouldn’t even care about. I’m trying to make a lot of thoughts clear and sometimes I think maybe I don’t have that many thoughts it’s just that I have too much time to myself these days.

To future busy days ahead, please come soon…

Kinda craving some real work.


Kota Railway Station, Rajasthan.

22nd October, 2019.

Chaos; something I thought would end once I finish this phase of intense commitment to my studies. That’s not the case, well.

Even when I have nothing to do, there’s so much going on around me and also inside me that it’s nowhere near the peace I imagined I would get. Whether it’s the usual house chores or somewhere I need to be, there’s just haste and me running around to do everything on time.

It’s as if I’ve trained my mind to crave work. The day passes by and I usually do nothing at times for the whole day but that is not because I don’t want to do anything, it’s just that my laziness takes over my urge for productivity.

These days as I’m looking back at the roller coaster ride the past three years have been it makes me sad and happy at the same time, I won’t mention the sad part but for the positive aspect of it I somewhat have an idea of at least what NOT to do in the forthcoming years. Though I completely have this in mind that I might be wrong again and that my decisions might lead me somewhere I haven’t thought of, but I still choose to trust myself yet again.

The trials I had to face for the trials that I took were worth the try I hope.


Kota, Rajasthan, India.

21st July, 2019.

Surely one of the best days, I had in a long while. How do I explain it…. moody, fun, exciting, creative and can’t miss the visuals, of course.

You know the feeling when you find the perfect canvas for your art, that’s exactly what it was.

Roaming around unknown paths, appreciating what we might never see again and absorbing the best and most beautiful of memories that would go a long way.

Just so wholesome, calm and serene. Amidst all the chaos we go through everyday, a little escape once in a while is all I long for. And with the best partner in crime is all you can wish for.

Not wanting to go, to not in a mood to leave, when places outshine you expectations, that’s the sense of satisfaction you wish for.

Getting to know something new about you everyday doesn’t even seem new anymore. And calling it a journey to know myself, aboard with an accomplice on this voyage across turbulent times is aptly worded.

Cheers to all the good and bad, gains and sacrifices, actually just everything.

And Thank You….


Kota, Rajasthan, India.

Seriously been a while ever since I put up something here. Just that life has been insanely busy these days and I consider it a blessing having 6 hours for sleep. Met quite a few new people, life’s a bit new these days too.


Goa, India.

October, 2017.

Life is hard. Life is thrilling. Life is having fun. Life is having no time to have fun…. But still have fun.

Life is being optimistic and the irony is me being idealistic, while saying this, as it’s not part of my characteristic.


Dehradun, Uttarakhand, India.

October, 2018.

Life can be extremely difficult. Everything can’t be the way you want it to be, at times most of the times nothing goes the way you want it to be. Some days coloured some days dull.


MDDA Park, Dehradun, Uttarakhand, India.

November, 2017.

People say plan out your work and schedule things accordingly. People also say that live in the present.

I don’t know about others but when I plan out my work every morning, all that goes in my mind is what I have to do next, planning for me is always thinking about future. The day with 24 full hours seems to pass by so quickly, that at times I sit down to do some work at 1pm and the next I see my clock it’s already 6pm.

These days the time is running fast, wish it would run with the same speed as it did a few years ago.